| PHD #237: Training and Dreams |
| Summary: | Wade visits Cidra with a request and the conversation continues after that… |
| Date: | 21 Oct 2041 AE |
| Related Logs: | Vices |
| Players: |
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| CAG's Office |
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| Though it's not much bigger than the average ship supply closet, the office of the commander of Cerberus' air group has as much luxury as one can hope for aboard a battlestar: a hatch that locks. It is dominated by a blocky gray metal desk straight out of standard Navy supply. Behind it is the room's single indulgence, a high-backed rolling chair of almost comfortable-looking brown leather. That one, the CAG probably had to import herself. A few other chairs are shoved against the wall, able to be rolled over should visitors to the lair require one, though those are of the standard not-terribly-comfortable Navy offices variety. The aforementioned desk contains a computer that looks rarely touched and an ashtray of greenish glass that is obviously frequently used, as well as the standard office supplies. The surface is usually cluttered with files, squadron reports, flight schedules and other aerial bureaucratic sundry of the day. A metal carafe, filled with water or coffee or tea depending on the CAG's whim, is usually at hand on the desk's corner. The rest of the office is packed with filing cabinets and wall shelves, the latter of which hold various flight manuals and military and historical books. Any decorations on the walls are limited to professional awards and mementos from Major Hahn's past tours of service. It is largely devoid of the personal, save for one item: upon the shelf just behind and above her desk, serving as one side of a bookend to a collection of Raptor manuals, is a wooden statue of a small brown owl with very large eyes. A person might get the feeling of those eyes following him around this confined space. |
| Post-Holocaust Day: #237 |
The thing about being in sickbay for a while, is that anyone can just, use that time to, think about things. Wade is no different and he thought about quite a few items. With that in mind, the Viper pilot waited for some free time between simulator training and actual CAPs, to head towards the CAGs office. Wade stands outside the door, wearing his off-duty greens. His dogtags are hanging over his chest, they look a bit dirty but words are still legible. The man knocks on the heavy door and waits there, idly looking around the corridor, to spot anyone that would be there.
It takes a beat for Wade's knock to be answered, but Cidra's level alto eventually does call, "Come in, please." It isn't locked.
Wade pushes the door open and steps inside the room, closing the door behind him after that. "Major…" offers the man, looking over his shoulder as he closes that door. Now, he steps forward and only stops about 2 feet away from her desk. He salutes now, and the nods "Major, do you have a moment or are you busy with something?" His hands are placed behind his back as he waits for Cidra's reply on that matter. Carefully, he inspects the office, moving his gaze slowly over different spots.
Cidra is standing behind her desk when Wade enters, in duty blues. There's a pile of paperwork sitting on her desk. All of it looks, at first glance, mindnumbingly boring. Old maintenance reports mostly, and duty logs from the hangar deck. Some of it months old, if he cares to look at the dates. Though she pays the pilot rather than it her attention for the moment. She returns the salute fluidly and offers and "As you were." Retaking her seat, legs crossed. One of the rolling chairs shoved in one corner is motioned toward. "Sit, if you like. You did wish to speak with me, Lieutenant Duncan?" That's all she says for the moment, waiting for him to elaborate on the import of this visit.
Wade adopts a more relaxed stance now and nods to her. The man takes a deep breath and shakes his head "I'll stand, been siting either on the sim or my viper so, I want to stretch my legs a little bit" There is a very faint smile that he shows after saying this. "Yes Major, I did wish to speak with you" The pilot takes a step forward and elaborates a little bit. "You see, while in sickbay, I got the chance to think about a couple things and…" he clears his throat and continues "I've been a pilot for the past 12 years, and a Viper pilot for the past 7…this including the flight school of course." He nods to his own words and adds "In the past, I've helped other fellow students to understand the fine points of Viper piloting or…piloting in general to be honest, but…" He clears his throat again "..I never pursued formal training on /how/ to be an instructor. I just gave pointers really. With that in mind and knowing that you have instructed people in the past, I was wondering if you could train me…" Now he shakes his head, adding "I don't want to leave my post with the Black Knights, but perhaps, having /one/ more person to teach younger generations, is not such a bad idea?"
Cidra listens to that with hands folded on her desk, focus entirely on Wade. She nods and makes a soft "Ah" sound throughout it. "I am a qualified flight instructor, Lieutenant. I do not doubt your capabilities. You have proven yourself more competent while serving here. But teaching is about more than knowledge of the subject. You must also know people, how to work with them, how best to impart what you know. In any case. We certainly need to make as much use of the experience of our people as we can get. I would be most pleased to work with you on this matter. You should speak to Captain Vakos about it as well. She is also certified for instruction, and has more experience working with Vipers and Viper pilots."
"Exactly…" says Wade, nodding to Cidra's words on, teaching being more than just knowledge. "And that's exactly what I wish to learn and understand better." He takes a deep breath about this and then runs his fingers over his chin. He shows another 'very' faint smile and says "Thank you, Major, hopefully I won't disappoint." Now she mentions the SL and he nods, briefly. "I will. I met Captain Vakos briefly when I first got out of sickbay." He presses his lips together in thought and just says after that "The Captain was with the…'Checkmates', correct?" This is asked just out of curiosity really.
Cidra nods short, as to Khloe. "Yes. She was one of the senior lieutenants in Blowback's squadron." Captain Adia "Blowback" Valance of the Checkmates, that is. "Vakos and I served together previously, when she was an ensign aboard a carrier called the Marsyas. And I was but a young lieutenant. She has made good of herself, and I do trust of her judgment." Said with the faintest of smiles though, after a moment's thought, it turns to a slim frown.
Wade listens in silence as Cidra speaks and a bit of a satisfied grin shows on his lips. "Good, good. Trust is a major component in any Air-Wing sir…in any group really. With different wingman assignment, the entire squadron needs to be able to trust eachother, and that counts the Squadron Leader as well." He does however, pick up that very slim frown. "Anything bothering you, sir?" asks the man, not letting stuff go unsaid. Or unasked in this case.
Cidra blinks at the question. She was, perhaps, assuming such a question would go unasked. Her eyes go briefly to the piles upon piles of paperwork on her desk. Her fingers idly lacing, fingers drumming on her knuckles. It's a moment before her eyes go back to Wade. "I would not trouble you with it, Drips. It is a…personal matter. I am working through it."
Wade follows Cidra's movements and looks down at the pile of papers as she does that. "It really isn't a problem, Major. No trouble there." He nods to that and adds a very brief smile "But, as you wish of course…I am not one to force people into speaking about their personal matters." He looks around the room again and his attention finally falls on the papers on the desk before looking at Cidra again "You haven't been staying in the Air-Wing berths…" adds the man, making conversation more than anything else.
"Ah." There's a hint of surprise in that slight draw of breath from the CAG. As if she hadn't expected him to have noticed. Though likely everyone has. Her absence from her bunk most nights has been both very noticeable and very odd. A pause and Cidra says, "I have been…having difficulty sleeping." For a moment it's like she's going to leave it at that. But she finally adds, "You ever have a dream you cannot get out of your head, Duncan? One that…leaves you unsettled."
Wade noticed, yes. He doesn't know about the rest, he really doesn't talk about that. He presses his lips together at first words and then takes a deep breath, listening. "I have." says the man, slightly nodding "You see, I had a brother, he was my twin. I was down in Leonis because, he was going to get married and…well, everything went to hell. He died, along with the rest of my family." He licks his lips as he explains "I had this dream, in which, I see him, and he's dead." he tries to find words to better explain this and adds "We are both down there in Leonis, the place is nuked. And he asks me, why I let him and my family die." He presses his lips together and shakes his head "I had this dream, different times…and in all honesty, it has been starting to fade. But, of course…it troubled me. It left me…" again he tries to find words "Asking myself why it was happening, was it because we didn't do enough to prevent an attack" He shakes his head again "I don't know" He clears his throat and then runs his fingers over his head "I know it's weird and it doesn't really make a lot of sense but, you know" Now, he looks at her and asks "What have you been dreaming about? If it's ok to ask"
Cidra leans back in her chair was Wade talks. While her manner does not precisely relax, some of the inscrutability in which she usually cloaks herself drops. She's intent and empathetic, and searching in a subdued way. Like she might find something in all that which pertains to herself. "I cannot speak of it," she says firmly, though in a low tone, slight shake of her head. "But it is of the dead of which I dream. Well. One that is dead. One I cannot…one I should hate and yet…he I cannot." She sighs heavy. "It was after Leonis that I first did have this dream. And then…not for a very long time. I thought I had put it past me. And then, after Sagittaron, it began again. Do you…is there any way you have found, Drips? To…stop these dreams?"
Wade moves to the chair in front of Cidra's desk and takes a seat, to be a little more comfortable. He listens in silence to her words and nods briefly "Alright" says the man, about Cidra not being able to speak of it. Now, he is no expert in dreams, or how the human mind works of course. But, he follows her words with focused attention. He, Leonis…this gives a couple ideas to Wade, ideas that might be right on target or way off. "I think you might be having these dreams because of the importance of your role with this ship." he nods to this, clears his throat and says "I think my dreams are fading because, I realized that there was really nothing that we could have done, to avoid the events of Warday. Nor we had a way of knowing that it was going to happen. We were hit, with terrible force. And most part of, the humanity; was captured by death." He clears his throat and says "Major, I know you wish not, to speak of it. But, of all the lives lost in Leonis, at least the ones I've learned about, there is one that keeps ringing in my head. Captain Laskaris…" he swallows and looks at Cidra directly in the eyes "Could he, be…that /he/?"
"It all gets…tied up in your head sometimes, does it not?" Cidra asks, in that tentative, searching tone still. "The ones we lost. Ones we loved, the ones who wronged, regrets of things we said or did not say or did or did not do…and the not knowing. It is the questions unanswered that really dig at you, Drips." She's half off in her own head now, though that name makes her pause. "Lasher?" She seems honestly surprised by mention of him. A low chuckle, and wry half-grin. "No. It is not Captain Laskaris I dream of. I do not think that I would mind so much. Lasher…I liked Lasher. He was very raw, harsh in ways not all cared for, but he was a fine warrior, and he served me very well. And he died a good death, fighting the enemy. I pray if the worst comes, a death like that is the least mercy the gods grant me. No. Him, I would not mind seeing again. The gods grant me nothing so easy as that."
Wade listens to the first words that she speaks and takes a deep breath, remembering his time down in Leonis. "After the attack I spent weeks, by myself. And I think…" he takes a deep breath, presses his lips together and sighs heavily after that "I think I just, started punishing myself, asking myself /why/, why didn't I do anything, why did I let my family die. And that, I think that created the dreams. The dreams we have are, in a way, created by us. By our fears, by our joys…everything has the potential to give our brains enough material to work with, to create a nice vivid scene in our dreams, that could very well bring us happiness, or torment us." he clears his throat and adds "My family would have never wanted me to punish myself over this, and knowing that brought me, a little peace. And the dreams started to fade." When she speaks of Lasher, he smiles a little bit and nods "I've heard about his death down in Leonis, also heard that he was good at what he did." He stops to consider his next words "Raw or not, I think it takes more than experience to be a leader, it's about being a driving force, and not talking about imposing rules. But being the actual driving force that brings strength. Now, I do believe you have that. And I do believe you punish yourself because of people we lost."
Cidra is quiet for a long moment. Her head resting against the back of her chair, listening to Wade but looking beyond him again. A wry hint of a smirk twists at her lips, rueful, and not one that touches her cloudy blue eyes. She can't help but nod. Something in that struck far closer to the truth than she had expected. "Back home, back on Gemenon, the Oracles taught us that the ghosts of restless spirits tie themselves to the world. Held by regrets, sins, rites not finished, beliefs not held true. I believe in ghosts, Drips. I also believe the living having them, too. We make our own ghosts of all these things. I wonder at times if it is possible to banish them. If I even want to. You live with your ghosts long enough, they are your way of holding close things lost."
Wade keeps his attention on Cidra as she speaks, he nods in silence. "Exactly, we make our own ghosts. And…" he considers for a moment and adds "I don't think it's about being able to banish them. I think it's about closure, it's about understanding." He takes a deep breath "Ghosts are not the only way of keeping things close I think. It's all right here…" he touches his head "And here" he touches his heart. "We keep our loved ones in our hearts, we keep memories, be those good, or bad…" He nods and finishes with "We remember" He clears his throat and asks "What do you think?"
"The memories I can live with. I just…I need to figure out what they *mean*…" Cidra murmurs. She doesn't explain what she means by that. Perhaps she doesn't even know herself. A shrug. "Well. We all muddle through as we can. I am glad you have found some peace, Drips." She sounds like she's still sifting for her own. "I should not keep you any longer." It's a dismissal, albeit a gentle one. "We shall work the instruction training into your regular practice regimen. And…I thank you. For…talking."
Wade clears his throat and nods to her words "Thank you, Major. And I do hope you find yours" He stands up now, having picked up the dismissal "Thanks again, I'll see to, not disappoint." He takes a step back and offers a firm salute "Major." When his hand lowers again, he offers a very brief smile "I promise, what has been said here, stays here. And you are most welcome. If you ever feel like talking, you know where to find me." A bit of a more noticeable smile "You have admirable strength Major Hahn" Now, he turns around, and walks towards the door.
Cidra looks on point of disagreeing with Wade on that last note. But she lets him go without comment. She remains in her chair, fishing into her desk for a cigarette once she's alone again. Expression thoughtful.