Memoir: Rounds

A round in the chamber. Godsdamn, Vakos.

After Lieutenant Doe’s words in Sickbay, had to do a lot of thinking. What the hell am I trying to prove? What the hell is my problem? Frak!!! I sat there and thought about it for hours. I’ve been trying to change. Relax. Chill out. Leave the proverbial gun in the holster except when it cannot be helped. Silent Mastiff. Eventually, if I ever see that Captain again (Note: Name=Mathers) I’m going to have to apologize for unloading. Grrr… . Just trying to relax(!) now. Stop fighting for a place here and just accept the one I was too busy being a bitch to realize I had. I think those eight months on Aerilon really messed up my perspective on things. My Marines. My men. Neath. Always fighting for a place. Fighting for our next day. Trying to keep morale up. Keep hope alive. Beating ass when I had to. I get here and then suddenly its civilization again. I forgot to flip the damned switch. Pull your head out of your ass, Nat. Life is tough you frakking arrogant –bi— little sh…!!!!! Nothing really seems to fit right there. None of its nice.

Vakos. Hometown Brew. Elf. The Man From Canceron. I forgot myself. Who I was when growing up and what it was to be friends with who I had. What they meant. ”Ah digger? You’re pissed, Nat! Tha frak you go’n do that for, aye??” They never did understand. That’s fine. I was proud. I was going to kick ass for them and represent. Then I get out there and frak up and just absorb it all. Might as well have been Caprican. I need to get back to my roots and shit-kicking boots. A round in the chamber, indeed, Cap. Appreciate what I’ve got and put that anger downrange. Throw the right punches rather than all the punches, was what Ruben told me. Its amazing the lessons you learn the hardest in your teenage years are the ones you remember the strongest when you look back. How could I forget them? A lot of those words are ringing so true now. Even from Vakos. Maybe even especially? … . The blade. Strength. It seems so weird to look up to an Airy Fairy. Especially a younger one. “Part of fixing the problem is recognizing you have one, then developing a plan to fix it.” Wisdom doesn’t have to come from an old, bearded bloke, I guess.

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