An official copy of the following Fleet Regulations 22-102 is strategically displayed in the Navy Offices cubicle assigned to the VAQ-141's Squadron Leader, Captain Kal "Bootstrap" Trask. Within eye-catching distance of this manual is a fluorescent pink folder that contains copies of Form WF-1.
(As an aside, there is no actual Fleet sanctioned FR 22-102. Form WF-1 also is not on-file. The sight of such documents should warrant some confusion and/or curiosity… at least until they are actually perused. Visually speaking, they are identical to legitimate Fleet documents. The content, however, is facetious in nature.)
Headquarters Department of the Colonial Navy | 22 JUL 2041 AE |
FLEET REGULATIONS 22-102: Table of Contents
Notice: Draft publication submitted to Fleet Regulatory Commission 22 JUL 2041 AE; not yet approved for distribution. |
FR 22-102 | 22 JUL 2041 AE |
PrefaceMilitary leadership is the process of influencing others in gaining respect and confidence in order to accomplish the mission. Leaders have many tools available to them to assist them in accomplishing this mission, and one of the most important is counseling. Effective counseling will help make poor soldiers into good ones and good ones even better. It can correct marginal performance, and it can be used to convince soldiers to make the military their career. However, there are some soldiers who will not respond to counseling. Perhaps the soldier is incapable of learning the simplest of tasks. The soldier may be rebellious, challenging authority just to see if he can "get away" with it. He may have been raised in a neighborhood where the fist was mightier than the word; where fighting was the only way to survive. In any case, there are some circumstances where a good kick in the pants is just what the doctor ordered to bring the soldier back to earth. That's what this manual is all about. Although the teaching of a good solid knock upside the head in military academies ceased long ago, the need for it has only intensified in recent years. The influx of large numbers of college-trained soldiers has brought with it not only more-intelligent soldiers, but also soldiers who need to know "why" they have been sent to do something. The leader, upon being asked "why" he has sent a soldier on police call, may feel the need to just haul off and hit the soldier upside the head. The leader will learn all the minutiae of wall-to-wall counseling, such as when it is appropriate, when it is inappropriate, how to prepare for the counseling session, how to conduct the session, follow-up actions, staying out of jail, and circumstances in which wall-to-wall counseling may be indicated but in which special techniques are called for. The proponent of this publication is the Colonial Military Combined Arms Center, Acropolis Forge, Picon 66027-033. Submit changes for improving this publication on DA Form 2028 (Recommended Changes to Publications and Blank Forms) and forward to Commander, Colonial Military Combined Arms Center, ATTN: ATZI-SWA-DL, Acropolis Forge, Picon 66027-033. Use of specific gender in this publication is for ease of reading. Whenever the masculine or feminine gender is used, either gender is intended. This publication supersedes FM 22-102, 01 JUL 2039. Notice: Draft publication submitted to Fleet Regulatory Commission 22 JUL 2041 AE; not yet approved for distribution. |
FR 22-102 | 22 JUL 2041 AE |
When should you wall-to wall counsel?You should wall-to-wall counsel a soldier when he needs it. And all soldiers occasionally need wall-to-wall counseling. Minor OffensesSimple infractions can be dealt with quickly by a simple ass-beating. Soldiers appreciate this, as it saves them the hassle of having to visit the commander for UCMJ action. Lateness Incompetence Challenging or Defying Authority Slacking Off Major OffensesSoldiers found guilty of major transgressions will be punished by the military authorities. A soldier who kills another soldier will probably be shot. However, long wall-to-wall counseling sessions prior to the arrival of the military police are appropriate in cases where the transgression was against another soldier, and are best conducted in the presence of the wronged soldier. If the wronged soldier is still alive, he or she should be invited to join in the session, as he or she will feel that revenge is called for and participating in the session will help to heal mental wounds caused by the perpetrator. Rape Murder Arson Robbery, Burglary and Barracks Thievery Other Serious OffensesThere are many serious offenses that require only moderate amounts of wall-to-wall counseling. These are normally simple offenses, but are compounded by their circumstances. Wall-to-wall counseling is demanded before these things get out of hand. Excessive Errors on Reports Snobbishness The leader has no one to blame but himself if he does not use wall-to-wall counseling to correct this problem. A quick knock in the head will straighten out this bullshit before it gets any worse. Notice: Draft publication submitted to Fleet Regulatory Commission 22 JUL 2041 AE; not yet approved for distribution. |
FR 22-102 | 22 JUL 2041 AE |
Determining when Wall-to-Wall Counseling is appropriateAlthough an effective technique when properly used, there are some places where wall-to-wall counseling is the wrong thing to do. Conducting a wall-to-wall counseling session in front of the 7th military commander, for instance, would probably not be the wise decision, as it would probably lead to the initiation of a relief-for-cause NCOER. However, the presence of high-level VIPs should not be the only determinant in the decision to delay or withhold a wall-to-wall counseling session. Soldier's Physical Size Soldier's Hobbies and Interests Wall-to-Wall Counseling After Drinking Binges
When the Counseled is the Counselor's Sexual Partner First, you can safely figure that you likely will never again get into this person's pants after the session is done. Second, this person will probably tell your commander what the two of you have been doing for the last six months, and then you will have some very heavy explaining to do. Third, but not least, this person will tell every other person on post what you did, and then you will get no more pussy, cock, or ass for the rest of the time you are stationed at that post… even in the red-light district with a fifty-cubit bill pinned to your jacket. Therefore, the best advice at this stage of the game is don't sleep with your subordinates. Notice: Draft publication submitted to Fleet Regulatory Commission 22 JUL 2041 AE; not yet approved for distribution. |
FR 22-102 | 22 JUL 2041 AE |
Preparing for a Wall-to-Wall Counseling SessionMore counseling sessions have been ruined by poor preparation than by anything else. Wall-to-wall counseling is no different than any other counseling in this respect. However, wall-to-wall counseling imposes its own special considerations due to its violent nature. Dress for Success — Mean and Lean A military uniform is very much the wrong garment to wear to a wall-to-wall counseling session, though. More radical dress is called for. A stop by a clothing store catering to members of the Hades' Angels Motorcycle Club is in order. Basically, you want to look like lord almighty Ares himself. Full leathers are good for extra protection should the soldier attempt to fight back. Location Modern construction standards, in which large amounts of sheetrock are used, have changed the face of wall-to-wall counseling. When walls were built of plaster and lath, you could bounce the soldier off the walls a few times, kick him in the nuts once or twice, swat him in the head and that would be the end of it. There were no worries that the room would survive the counseling session, because you knew that it would. However, you can easily throw a soldier through a sheetrock wall. The military will make you pay for any walls you damage during counseling. Therefore, you want a large, strong room to conduct your counseling sessions in. Before calling the soldier in for his wall-to-wall counseling session, inspect the room thoroughly. Make sure the door is of good quality and is equipped with a working door lock. The lock is important not only to keep the session from being interrupted prior to its conclusion but also to hinder the soldier from leaving prior to having received the full impact of the lessons you are teaching him. Try to find a room without any windows. If this cannot be attained, windows placed high on the wall are acceptable. Not only will the lack of windows prevent others from looking in and observing the wall-to-wall counseling session, but if the session gets really intense, the soldier could accidentally push you into the window, breaking it and injuring you. The purpose of a wall-to-wall counseling session is to impart the maximum learning and pain upon the Counseled with the least amount of damage to the Counselor's body, and a glass shard in your ass is a poor reason to prematurely end a session. However, in a windowless room lighting takes on prime importance. You need to see the soldier so that you know where to hit him next, and the soldier needs to see you hitting him. Make sure the lights work and that the light switch is covered with a piece of green tape to prevent the soldier from easily turning the lights off. Inform the Soldier Find Counseling Assistants It is simple to find them. Visit the gymnasium and go to the weight room. If you see someone in there putting many fifty-pound plates on a bar and then doing 35 curls and 20 bench presses with it, you've found your assistant. It's even better if the candidate is in your unit and hasn't yet been investigated for an assault. If you can't find anyone like that, though, look for boxers, wrestlers, or anyone else who fights for fun. The ideal wall-to-wall Counselor has a six-foot reach, fists the size of volleyballs, can bench 350 pounds, runs ten miles a day, and has over 20 knockouts. If you can't get such a person to assist you in your counseling session, though, anyone who maxes his or her PT test would be good, too. Notice: Draft publication submitted to Fleet Regulatory Commission 22 JUL 2041 AE; not yet approved for distribution. |
FR 22-102 | 22 JUL 2041 AE |
The Wall-to-Wall Counselor's ToolkitAlthough many successful wall-to-wall Counselors have conducted sessions using nothing but their bare hands, a small toolkit will ease your job, especially in those critical first few sessions. A wall-to-wall counseling toolkit does not have to be elaborate or expensive. In fact, you probably have all the materials in your unit right now, and all that it takes to use them is a little imagination. ToolsBaseball Bats Dimension Lumber If a baseball bat is also available, have your assistant grab the Counselee's arms and pull them behind his back. Place the board even with the elbows, pull the arms dawn to the body, and secure with green tape. This prevents the soldier from attempting to assault his leaders. If two-by-twelve's can be obtained, get one about six feet long. While it is not suitable for swinging, the Counselee can be secured to it with green tape, lifted high in the air with the aid of your assistant and dropped. Pool Cues The pool cue sits in a strange and unenviable position among weapons: If held so that it can do some good, it is easily broken; if it is held so that it will not break during blows, it is not long enough to do much good. It is also more expensive than either a two-by-four or a baseball bat. In all, the baseball bat is a much more satisfying tool than the pool cue. Sock Full of Bar Soap RestraintsAlthough wall-to-wall counseling is much more challenging and rewarding when a soldier is free to move and fight back, many Counselors prefer the expediency of beating someone's ass while he is tied up. By taping the arms to the sides (as detailed in the Dimension Lumber section), counseling may be accomplished quicker and with less hassle. Many items may be used for restraints; here we list but a few. Handcuffs Green Tape Ropes Notice: Draft publication submitted to Fleet Regulatory Commission 22 JUL 2041 AE; not yet approved for distribution. |
FR 22-102 | 22 JUL 2041 AE |
Conducting the Wall-to-Wall Counseling SessionWall-to-wall counseling can be conducted in many ways. For on-the-spot counseling, a quick swat across the back of the head with a closed fist or a slap in the face will probably be sufficient. For prolonged periods of misconduct by the soldier, prolonged periods of wall-to-wall counseling are in order. All wall-to-wall counseling sessions, though, are notable for their intensity and aggressiveness. The Counselor should have a broad range of counseling methods available to him. He would be wise to study boxing manuals for additional suggestions. Enrolling in a martial arts class would also be a good idea, if he has the time to spare. In addition to improving counseling skills, the martial arts teach patience, discipline and self-control… all desirable traits for any leader. Basic blowsThe basic blows used in wall-to-wall counseling are the jab, hook, uppercut, and knee to the nuts. These are also basic street-fighting techniques. Jab Hook Uppercut Knee in the Nuts Advanced BlowsAdvanced blows include the pendulum slap, boot to the head and tool techniques. These are effective but more limited, counseling techniques. Pendulum Slap The ideal object to practice with is the heavy punching bag found in all military gymnasiums. On any given day, you will find many wall-to-wall Counselors practicing their pendulums slaps against this bag, so you may need to wait in line. Rest assured that the wait is well worth it. If your unit's leaders embrace wall-to-wall counseling as a common leadership technique, you may be able to convince the Unit Fund Council to install its own heavy bag. If you are in an infantry unit or are in charge of many 98Ks, though, the sheer number of Counselees will provide sufficient opportunity to practice and hone your technique. Still, there is no substitute for the heavy bag. Not even a 98K can replace it, though some of the new ones come close. Boot to the Head Tool Techniques Using These TechniquesWall-to-wall counseling is much like any other counseling. You choose the place, inform the Counselee, meet him there, counsel him until his problem is solved, and conduct follow-up actions. In wall-to-wall counseling, though, how you determine when his problem is solved is when he screams for mercy. Then you hit him once or twice more to reinforce the counseling session and make sure the problem stays solved. Then and only then end the counseling session. Determining How Much Wall-to-Wall Counseling is Enough Of course, if the soldier is a rapist, thief or murderer, just start your wall-to-wall counseling session and continue until the military police arrive. Notice: Draft publication submitted to Fleet Regulatory Commission 22 JUL 2041 AE; not yet approved for distribution. |
FR 22-102 | 22 JUL 2041 AE |
Follow-up ActionsNo counseling is complete without follow-up actions. This is especially true in wall-to-wall counseling. Following up a wall-to-wall counseling session is covered is the chapters entitled "Triage" and "Legal Problems." The Counselor should be prepared to wash his hands of the whole matter, especially if the session drew blood. The Counselor should, therefore, place a bar of Lava soap in the latrine prior to the session. Its gritty consistency will remove all traces of blood from your fingers, and it will help to clean off your baseball bat, too. Triage If the soldier is a true frakup, broken bones, internal injuries and hemorrhaging may have occurred. Inspect the soldier to make sure he is still conscious, still breathing, and does not appear to have any external damage or signs of internal damage (blood or cranial fluid leaking from the ears is generally a sign that the counseling session was a little too thorough…) One of the three is generally sufficient. If the soldier can still move following the session, immediately restrict him to his room. If he is not breathing and will not obey a direct order to resume breathing, perform rescue breathing and then beat his ass some more after you revive him. If his heart stops, apply CPR and then recounsel him for inability to remain alive during a counseling session. Not hitting the soldier right over the heart or the top of the head may cut down on the frequency and severity of death among your Counselees. If the soldier beats your ass during counseling, though, there is little you can do. If you aren't frakked up too bad, you can just lick your wounds and hope the bruises heal before your CO sees you. If you need to be ambulanced off to the hospital, though, you can tell the judge that the soldier hit you first. If the judge believes your integrity (and he should — after all, you outrank the soldier who kicked your ass), you should be fine, especially if the soldier actually did hit you first. If you hit the Counselee first and he still beat you up, then you need to spend more time in the gym. Legal Problems Therefore, they might not recognize the corrective nature of your actions and instead term them "brutal, heartless assault," which is also true. The solution to this problem is preparedness. Requisition sufficient copies of this manual so that everyone on post that can legally frak you over can have one. Once these people have read this manual, they will respect you for having made the wise and just decision to wall-to-wall counsel. If, on the other hand, you are dumb or overanxious and hold a wall-to-wall counseling session without having made the proper preparations, you need to be prepared for the worst. Simply bring this manual to your courts-martial. After the judge reads it, you are certain to be acquitted. There is one very large proviso, though: if you have to bring the soldier back from the dead as a result of your wall-to-wall counseling session, however, you are up shit creek and have no paddle. If you succeed in killing the soldier and he stays dead no matter how strict your order to resume living is, then you may be certain that you are going to jail. In this case, you will not get frakked with too badly. Just inform all the inmates that you are in jail because you beat another man to death with your bare hands and no one will even think about touching or going near you. No one likes the idea of being the next in line. Notice: Draft publication submitted to Fleet Regulatory Commission 22 JUL 2041 AE; not yet approved for distribution. |
FR 22-102 | 22 JUL 2041 AE |
Special CircumstancesWall-to-wall counseling is an effective leadership technique when it is properly applied. Unfortunately, not every situation is the same. What works well in one instance may get you killed under other circumstances. We present some sample situations for your perusal and study. Armed Soldiers If the soldier will voluntarily surrender his gun, he is a disciplined individual. He is also a stupid motherfrakker. If the soldier is dumb enough to give you his gun, he deserves to have his ass beat. If the soldier is not dumb enough to give you his gun, you will be forced to take it from him. The best things to use for this are larger guns and partners. Your partner can hold the soldier from behind in a full-nelson while you relieve the soldier of his lethal burden. If you have no partner, larger guns are handy. If the solder carries a .38-caliber revolver, pull out a .45 auto. If the soldier has a .45 you need an M-16. If he has an M-16, you need an M-60 machinegun. (If the soldier is the gunner on a Vulcan, Chaparral missile system or field array piece, you're really frakked.) Once the soldier is free from things that can kill you, fell free to beat the living frak out of him. Lieutenants Senior Officers Dayhos Civilians A big secondary problem is that some civilians carry guns and/or do drugs. People carrying guns fall into two categories: those who are members of the police and those who are not. Those who are police are generally more disciplined but are better trained in the use of their guns. This means that they might not shoot at you but will definitely hit you if they do. Drug pushers, bank robbers, murderers and other common rabble will probably shoot at you but may not hit you. Unfortunately, some well-heeled cruds are buying black-market submachine guns and carrying them under their jackets. These guns, whose ranks include the Uzi and the Ingram MAC-10, are equipped with large-capacity magazines and can pump out more lead per minute than an M-60 machine gun. When the criminal pulls one of these, he will use it to hose down targets of opportunity, which, in this case, means you. If you feel the urge to wall-to-wall counsel a drug dealer, use a shotgun. It's easier and faster. It does make a mess, but you can console yourself with the fact that you are helping to make the Colonies a safer place. Notice: Draft publication submitted to Fleet Regulatory Commission 22 JUL 2041 AE; not yet approved for distribution. |
FR 22-102 | 22 JUL 2041 AE |
A Sample Wall-to-Wall Counseling SessionThe following is a true story. Only the names have been changed to protect the guilty. SGT Ben Dover was out with his friends across from a small military base in a foreign country. After having a few beers, but not enough to cloud his judgment, he observed a soldier in the small restaurant who was acting like a fool. The soldier was being obnoxious, yelling at the top of his lungs, embarrassing the women in the restaurant, and generally degrading the image of the military. SGT Dover decided to take action. SGT Dover had SPC Harry Saks summon the obnoxious soldier to come outside the restaurant for a simple talk. The soldier, SPC Jack Meoff, came outside is a very belligerent manner. SPC Meoff took off his jacket in a threatening manner and unprofessionally swore at SGT Dover. SPC Meoff was rip-roaring drunk. He hit and pushed SGT Dover, SPC Saks, and several of their friends. He even hit two of them with a plastic chair. SGT Dover took action. He wall-to-wall counseled SPC Meoff striking him with two punches. SPC Meoff fell to the ground. The MPs came and took the unrestrained SGT Dover to the MP station in a squad car. SPC Meoff had to be placed into hand and leg irons for his trip to the MP Station. Lessons learned by this wall-to-wall counseling session:
Notice: Draft publication submitted to Fleet Regulatory Commission 22 JUL 2041 AE; not yet approved for distribution. |
FR 22-102 | 22 JUL 2041 AE |
A Final WordYou have learned to effectively wall-to-wall counsel an errant soldier. We have described all the things that can go wrong during a wall-to-wall counseling session, discussed how to prepare for it and how to give it, and what to do if you get arrested for doing it. Leaders at all levels have looked for an effective way to let their soldiers know where they stand. If they don't know after an ass-beating, they are some dumb motherfrakkers. Leaders who set clear standards of what always rates a wall-to-wall counseling session and then fairly enforce those standards (in other words, beating up everyone who fraks up in a certain way, not beating some and writing up others) will not only raise the morale of the troops, but also find them much easier to control. And what a difference! After you club the shit out of someone for missing one PT session, you will never again have anyone miss PT. Units with motor pools will see the deadline rate drop after you beat the mechanics for leaving trucks that can be fixed on the deadline list "because we didn't feel like fixing them." And all armorers will appreciate the leader who kicks the asses of soldiers who attempt to turn in dirty weapons. We have given you the tools. Use them. Notice: Draft publication submitted to Fleet Regulatory Commission 22 JUL 2041 AE; not yet approved for distribution. |
Mega <3 to Davis' player for suggesting all of this. Also, mucho thanks to the guy who wrote the real life FM 22-102 upon which this version was based.