Memoir: Adrift

scribbled in a notebook, this text is more spidery and tersely written than some of lasher's other entries

2041.04.12

I feel… lost.

Two months since the holocaust. Feels like an eternity, and just yesterday at the same time.

At first, I was pleased when Hahn gave me the squadron. Never figured I'd make it to that point in my career. But now, it's more of an albatross around my neck. It's my job to lead them and to protect them, but I'm failing. I'm losing them. Half the decisions I make end up blowing up in my face. I have faith in my methods, but I don't think they do. Fallout from the damned Virgon clusterfrak proves that. How the frak do I explain?

It's all a downward spiral. (Not to be confused with Spiral. The jackass.) The longer I go, the worse it will be. Morale is shit. Flying is improving, but still not what it should be. I have to do something, I know this. 'May not be much' isn't good enough anymore. Cannot forget the gravity of this godsdamned job I've been given. I've fallen into the very trap I told myself to avoid at all costs: letting things snowball.

As if things couldn't get any worse, Cylons got aboard the ship yesterday. Frakkers made a charnel house out of the stairwell. So much godsdamn blood, so many people running. I couldn't protect them, either. I avenged them, but couldn't save them. Vengeance is a poor remedy for failure.

Bastards trashed the CIC, but my group got there in time to take them out. Took a couple rounds for my trouble, but I'll be back into the meat grinder soon enough, and I'll keep going back until it destroys my body or my mind. Here I stand, I can do no other.

But if I stand in the middle of nothing, what does it accomplish? I am directionless, cast adrift like a ship without a rudder. Yes, perhaps it is a given that more people will die, and soon. Maybe even my own people. But I'll be as complicit as the ones that killed them if I don't do a better job of protecting them.

Lords of Kobol, hear my prayers. Guide me through this crucible, and help me guide your children born of this earth. We do not wish to join you in Elysium just yet.

Karin. I miss you so much.

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